it was like eating out sand paper
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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