My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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