Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
