my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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