so explain again why im purple
no
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
