My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
