No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
