you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
