The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
