he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
