Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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