Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Pants are for mortals
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
