I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
