if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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