Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
