don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
