Have you finally orgasmed yet?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How does it feel to date your dad?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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