I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
