I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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