I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
