remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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