we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
