I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You may now shotgun with the bride
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
