I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
