i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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