you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
