She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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