I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
