I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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