you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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