my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
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