I feel like abortions should bother me more
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
