Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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