only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
