I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
