I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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