I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
