In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
