i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish you could order shots online.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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