Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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