My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
