I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
