The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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