That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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