I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
