it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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