I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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