Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think I just sharted jello shots
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
