Your face is a jimmy john
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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