Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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