nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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