Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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