seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
