you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
