I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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