Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
