I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
