Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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