Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i drank out of a bidet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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