Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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