You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
