I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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