i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
