he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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