I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
