I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
