I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
PANTIES FOUND
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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