Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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