i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
