just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
