I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
