Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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